COVER THAT SHIT UP

All you loyal "spankees" know that I have tirelessly campaigned against the Hollywood trend of costuming middle-aged starlets in bosom-revealing frocks. I have fought the good fight, and championed my cause with as much loudness and public intoxication permitted by law; despite my fervor, however, it seems that "ugly old women in slutty clothes" still plague our streets. Everywhere I look, it's Teri Hatcher in a bikini and Susan Sarandon oozing out of her dress, while Nicollette Sheridan's old lady nipples simultaneously squirm out of their flourescent lycra restraints. It's digusting, indecent, obscene -- and above all, OLD.

You shouldn't have to see something so foul without fair warning. I learned my lesson with the general response to the crotch-shot of Wonky Eye Hilton. And also, I couldn't post any pictures if I wanted to, because MACs suck that way. So, if you're up for it, and have some smelling salts handy and a basin for the inevitable vomit, then take a gander at this photo of Paula Abdul's teats in a completely unacceptable dress. You'll probably want to write you senator or congressman and get something done about this. Remember, they may be technically "citizens of the United States" and "human beings," but they are also "old" and "saggy."

THE PLAYMATE BRIDES

Just a heads up, before you read this and think, "Christ, ol' Cheeks is really lettin' herself go... this post looks not right... And for the love of God, why is she never, never wearing pants?" Well, it's because I'm working on a MAC, you ungrateful bastards, despite my previous disavowing of all things "retarded." I hope somebody held Steve Jobs down on the playground and farted on his face repeatedly in grade school, because pre-2000 MACs now rank just below "communists," "Navy movers," and "Paris Hilton" on my "Things I Really Fucking Hate" list.

So, no picture, no links, and no source. And some old news: don't marry a soft-core porn star. Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are calling it quits after two and a half years of reality-televised bliss. They seemed so perfect for one another! An overexposed playmate and a... what the fuck was Dave Navarro before her? Some kind of musician? The Goo-Goo Dolls, maybe? Wow, what a faggot! I can't believe anyone who was a part of the "Goo-Goo Dolls" hasn't been a victim of a hate crime. Or maybe ten hate crimes.

And PETA's classiest spokesperson, Pam "Heppie C" Anderson, is finally tying the knot with a gas station attendant from Smyrna, Tennessee. At least, I think that's who it was, from the picture. It might have been a played-out white-trash cock-rock mullet named Kid Rock. Either way, I predict months of marital happiness and several cringe-inducing sex tapes before they end up in court, arguing over the proceeds of said sex tapes.

That's all the "spank" I can squeeze out of this piece-of-shit MAC for today. I'm going to go look for my pants now.

I'M BACK, BABY!

That's right, boys and girls -- the bitch is back! Well, not really back. "Sort of" back. In that my computer is still boxed up... and in the wrong city... and I'm writing this from my parent's study, instead of my new home.

You see, the U.S. Navy moved us; apparently, that great military installation only operates with moving companies who employ clinically retarded lab monkeys and drunks. Supposedly -- "tomorrow morning" -- our stuff is supposed to arrive; and if it actually does arrive, I promise to get my vintage 1997 Dell back to crankin' out the good stuff by Sunday. It takes a little while to "prime" her, you see. My computer actually runs off coal, much like those old-timey steam engines or big Titanic-esque ships. I have a crew of poor immigrants that lived in my basement whose job it was to shovel coal into the disk drive and sing up tempo ethnic songs for my amusement. Christ, I can only hope the Navy got us a storage unit that was air-conditioned, come to think of it. Those bastard foriegners were really hard to stuff into boxes. And nothing smells worse than dead immigrants. Especially week-old dead immigrants.

Except for Paris Hilton's puss, which courtesy of Dlisted, I happen to have right here!

SPANK IT YOURSELF -- FOR A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK

Dear Loyal Fans,

Big, burly movers are coming to my house tomorrow morning, to box up my things and ship them to Virginia. What I really mean to say is... my computer is going with them. And I already know what you're thinking -- sorry, but I don't have a laptop. Yes, I am poor. No, that is not a goiter, and fuck you, my hair will grow back. Eventually. Maybe.

For the next five or six days, you're going to have to spank it without any assistance from me. May I suggest one of my favorite gossip blogs: Yeeeah!. By far, the spank-worthiest of them all.

Also, a tip of the hat to Dlisted, The Bastardly, and Egotastic! Check them out during the upcoming dry spell.

Finally, in a pinch, a little Drunken Stepfather could always beat it out of you. Whatever. Just hold fast to your dreams and know I will be back, angrier and more confused than ever before. I love you all.

Your truly,

Cheeks

P.S. I told you already, IT'S NOT A FUCKING GOITER.

SPANK IT YOURSELVES

Nobody wants to pay to watch Ashely Simpson lipsync. (Perez Hilton)

Even Tom Cruise's Scientology cronies haven't seen Suri. (What Would Tyler Durden Do?)

Snorting blow could make you a millionaire. (Yeeeah)

Tired of looking at wieners all morning? Then check out both of Nicolette Sheridan's old-lady nipples. (MollyGood)

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ LICKS ARMPITS

If being a fat, ugly, drunken lesbian wasn't enough to make you hate Michelle Rodriguez, then let me offer this photo:

Gross. You couldn't pay me enough money to lick that behemoth's unshorn armpit.

Okay, maybe you could pay me. Maybe like a hundred bucks. Okay, fifty bucks and a gram of coke. Fine -- twenty dollars in food stamps, a gram of coke, and a box of Newports. But that's where I draw the line. Really. I have standards, you know.

ASHLEY JUDD IS ANTI-GERM

People magazine is reporting that Ashley Judd spent nearly two months in a Texas treatment center to deal with depression and isolation. Her symptoms manifested themselves into an insatiable need to clean and sanitize. People explains

It was during a visit with Wynonna, 42, while she was being treated for a food addiction... that counselors reportedly noticed Ashley's emotional problems and approached her about treatment [for] curbing her compulsive habit of wiping down plastic surfaces on planes and at hotels[.] Judd says: "Now I try to remind myself that if I engage in perfectionism, I am abusing myself."

Wow. That's nothing like the way I abuse myself. My idea of "abuse" usually involves vomiting or passing out -- after having fornicated with a couple of strangers -- and waking up in a dumpster in a dark alley. Not "overzealous cleaning." That's the lamest fucking reason for a stint in rehab I've ever heard. She was probably that girl in seventh grade who had to go see the guidance counselor because she wrote "suicide notes" in her biology notebook and tried to "kill herself" by taking ten Advil during study hall.


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LOOK! A WIENER!

In case you don't remember, Andy Roddick was Mandy Moore's boyfriend before Zach Braff; he's a tennis player. That established... look at that! It's his wiener, flopping out of his pants. I always thought tennis players preferred to "gird up their loins" before sprinting all over a court, but not Andy!

Here's a closeup of his manhood. This is a special day, folks. Nipples are a dime a dozen, but a good, clear, wiener shot? Priceless. Enjoy, spankees.

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ONE NIGHT IN PARIS... IN A NURSERY

Paris "Wonky Eye" Hilton divulged to the London Mirror that she is ready to bear offspring -- "hopefully, within the next five years" -- and that she believes that she will make a fantastic mother. She says,

"I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mother.... I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel that I would have a lot to give to my children."

Because, you know, having a kid is pretty much like having a chihuahua. Or a kinkajou. You take it shopping, it bites your face, maybe shits itself, and then you lose it for a week until some asshole looking for a couple of bucks shows up at your front gate. What's not to love about that? Kids, like tiny raccoon monkeys, very nearly raise themselves.

She also elaborates on her position on "shacking up."

“One-night stands are not for me. I think it’s gross when you just give it up. Guys want you more if you don’t just hand it to them on a platter. If they want you, then they will wait. You have to make them work for it.”

Really? They do? I think that's fucking brilliant, coming from the mouth that has holstered more cocks than Andy Dick on Gay Pride Night. Hearing Paris' thoughts on "motherhood" and "chastity" is like listening to Hilter pontificate on "Jewish rights" and "racial equality."

And I'm fairly certain there's a videotape out there of Paris giving it to Rick Solomon "on a fucking platter." Now that's both matronly and demure. You just aren't ready for motherhood until you've videotaped yourself boning some bird-chested douchebag, and then renounced first-date fucking to the media. It's the true "litmus test" of family planning.

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P.S. The only time I have ever seen a "wonky eye" that rivaled Paris Hilton's was on that runaway bride, Jennifer Willbanks. Included below is a picture of Willbanks, as a point of reference for your independent research.

WEDNESDAY WEEKLY TOP TEN

I was watching the fireworks yesterday -- celebrating American independence by drinking myself into a stupor -- and it occured to me that I was living in the greatest country the world has ever known. In honor of America's birthday, I've composed a list of the top ten reasons we're the best. It's called:

WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT
Top Ten Reasons America is the Greatest* Country in the World


10. Freedom of speech

9. Amber-fuckin-waves of grain

8. No taxation without representation

7. We inspire democracy the world over. If you don't like it, we're forcing it on you anyway.
Suck it Iraq!

6. Boob jobs and botox.

5. Americans aren't fat; we're just big-boned

4. We gave birth to the automobile; the telphone; manned flight; and Angelina Jolie.

3. First to get the bomb, and last to use it.

2. We're the world's police, soup kitchen, and savings and loan.

and, the number one reason America is the greatest country in the world:

1. Blowjobs in the Oval Office.

*Honorable mention the United Kingdom. We wouldn't be here without you!

SPANK IT YOURSELF

Madonna replaces Skeletor McCokewhore as the face of H & M (Dlisted)

Clay Aiken gives Jesus the finger (Yeeeah)

Lindsay's boobies are back, baby! (The Bastardly)

Pam Anderson sluts it up at the beach (Pop Sugar)

CHAD LOWE HAS A "DRUG PROBLEM"

Hillary Swank blames the failure of her marriage on husband Chad Lowe's substance abuse problem in the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. She tells the magazine,

"I knew something was happening but I didn't know what... When I found out, it was such a shock because I never thought he'd keep something from me. And yet, on another level, it was a confirmation of something I was feeling that was keeping us from being completely solid."

She further elaborates -- without naming which substance was the culprit -- that he is now sober after struggling with the addiction for nearly nine years.

I don't know why everyone seems to think that having a "drug problem" is such a big friggin' deal. Really -- I have a child, a full-time job, and own my own home -- all while managing my "addiction" to crystal meth. How else could I have the energy to deal with a baby and work and keep you up-to-date with celebrity gossip, all while maintaining my fabulously slender figure? Not with diet and exercise, I can tell you that!

Nothing keeps me as alert and coherent and fashionably trim as crystal meth. Except maybe VCR head cleaner or model airplane glue. Now there's an eye-opener! And whiskey helps me "take the edge off." But it's not a problem. "Neighborhood Watch" has been a great free babysitter, and actually my full-time job is at the meth lab which used to be our home, so it's really worked out all the way around, for everyone. Especially my kid. Hillary Swank is just an idiot.


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ANOTHER BABY FOR BEN AFFLECK?

Nicole Kidman isn't the only Hollwood starlet preggers these days -- take a look at this photo of Ben Affleck (with wife Jennifer Garner) taken just last week! By the looks of it, Ben's already three or four months along now. And he's absolutely glowing.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: A PICTURE OF HEALTH

This photo taken at the London premiere of Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest has instigated rumors that Keira Knightley is anorexic. Despite having a family history of the disorder, Keira denies these claims, saying

"I've got a lot of experience with anorexia — my grandmother and great-grandmother suffered from it, and I had a lot of friends at school who suffered from it. I know it's not something to be taken lightly and I don't."

Seriously, why would anyone think she was starving herself? I've never heard of any Hollywood actresses having a problem with compulsive dieting. I mean, really, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth -- they all just have super-fast metabolisms. Good genes. It's not like they go around making themselves puke or snorting blow every chance they get. And who needs breasts when you've got a sternum like Keira's? I prefer to think of her visible-through-the-skin ribcage as a "chic accessory that perfectly accents a low cut dress," rather than "the most obvious symptom of AIDS" or maybe "cadavers in general."

Anyway, everybody knows that only fat chicks have bosoms. It's because they insist on "eating food" and "having hair."

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WHAT IS ASHLEE SIMPSON'S SECRET?

Victoria's Secret is said to have signed on pop star Ashlee Simpson as the new face of its "Pink" line. The line will feature cutesy underwear and bras and is aimed at a "more youthful" crowd -- I'm thinking mallrats with zits wearing "Hot Chick" baby tees. Victoria's Secret is rumored to have debated between Kelly Clarkson and Simpson for the coveted campaign.

I can only assume that the padding in the "Pink" bras spontaneously falls out of your shirt half-way through a date or public speech, revealing you as the flat-chested phony faker you really are. Or maybe the underwear is so uncomfortable that you can only do a hoe-down shuffle as you attempt to abandon your wayward padding. Or maybe the teeny-bopper lingerie gives you an air of self-importance, and you'll find yourself with the urge to alight upon the counter at your local fast-food chain and berate the staff.


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P.S. While googling images to find a good pic of Ashlee Simpson, this came up.



I shit you not!!! It's the most appropriate image I could ever possibly imagine for an "Ashlee Simpson search." Google is fucking awesome!

LINDSAY LOHAN IS A BIG FAT LIAR

Lindsay Lohan tells the London Mirror that she would "never become a druggie," because she saw how drugs affected her father.

The starlet admits to smokin' the doobie, but claims she "hated it"; she adamently maintains that she never tried cocaine, despite her disconcerting weight loss, her perma-chapped nostrils, and her notoriously frequent bathroom breaks. She futher elaborates

“I’ve seen my father. I’ve seen how it messes with families and fucks your life up. If I hadn’t witnessed that, I may have gone a different route. I don’t know. But I’ve seen how it tore my parents apart.”

Lindsay Lohan swearing she doesn't do blow is like me swearing I'm a virgin who's never had a drink in her life. When in fact, I had sex with two strange men in the parking lot of the 7-11 this morning. And I've been drunk since Thursday night. Come to think of it, I don't remember ever NOT being drunk. I don't remember much of anything anymore. But I do remember that Lindsay Lohan is motherfucking coke whore. It's tattooed on my inner thigh, so I don't ever forget.

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YOU'VE BEEN SPANKED

Here's newly-divorced witch Jessica Simpson, only without the false eyelashes and uber-glossed lips. She doesn't look as awful as, say, Kate Moss or Christopher Walken; she just looks so... spectacularly average. Like she might be that chick with the braces who works at Cinnabon in the mall.

To be fair, that girl at Cinnabon has fewer pimples. And a much less prominent chin. But she did probably fuck Nick Lachey while he was still married to Jess, so I guess that makes them even.

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HAIR IS FOR FAT CHICKS

Perhaps Victoria Beckham should have been called "Bald Spice" instead of "Posh Spice." The picture below on the left, courtesy of Barbie Martini, shows a large chunk of Victoria's scalp exposed in a place where hair should be.

The picture on the right is her hair post flying to London to visit her stylist; Barbie Martini claims that Beckham was so "horrified by that picture [of the bald spot]" that she had to return home to have it fixed the following day.

I suppose one the the many perks of anorexia -- beside lanugo and maybe death -- is your hair taking on a general corpse-like appearance and falling out in clumps. You know, "corpse hair":

Main Entry: corpse hair
Pronunciation: 'korps 'har
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English corps, from Middle French, from Latin corpus

1. a: slender threadlike outgrowths of the epidermis of an animal or human body whether living or dead

2. a: one of the usually pigmented filaments that form the characteristic coat of the dead body of mammal b : pigmented filaments atop the remains of something discarded or defunct

3. a: when they exhume dead people on those DNA detective shows and all that's left is a crusty skeleton that still has hair but the hair is all wispy and straggle-y and disgusting looking.

Bald Spice here is cleary afflicted.

THE FBI IS A FUCKING JOKE

Remember those pictures I had up last week of Brad and Angie's "baby shower" (re: perverse avian sex games)? Well, I was legally obligated to take those pics down, as they were stolen from Angie's brother by a Best Buy employee intent on selling them to the media. According to TMZ,

FBI and Massachusetts authorities raided a Westfield, Massachusetts, home Tuesday night and seized the baby shower photos. Turns out, the pics were taken by Jolie’s brother, James Haven when he visited the couple in Namibia, where the shower took place.

Upon returning to L.A., Haven realized his camera was broken so he took it to Best Buy, which sent the camera to Precision Camera and Video Repair in Enfield, Connecticut to be fixed. Two employees at Precision, Bill Keyes and Adam Beckwith, allegedly discovered the pictures in the digital camera and downloaded the photos.

I'm really glad the FBI is devoting their time and my tax dollars to hunting down the dangerous bastards who go around stealing memory cards out of people's cameras. I tell you, it's gotten so bad that I don't take pictures after dark anymore, and I keep my camera's memory card hidden in my bra when I go out in public. I just can't sleep at night knowing there are card-theives out there. In fact, I'm going to go look at my camera right now, just to make sure it's safe. You should probably do the same.

NICK AND JESSICA: OFFICIALLY DEAD TO EACH OTHER

Jessica and Nick were legally divorced this past Friday. Us Weekly reports

The former Newlyweds signed documents on Thursday requesting retired Superior Court Judge Dana Senit Henry bifurcate the marriage, meaning that the divorce could become official while the financial details were still being negotiated.

Jessica promptly told the media that she was "shocked and horrified" that Nick agreed to the "bi-fur-kate-id" because she had no idea he was into gay sex and swinging.